Thursday, 9 March 2017

LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF


The amount of times this month I've thought to myself, I so wish I could tell my younger self it is all going to be fine, that I'm now losing count. Nothing significant has happened for the revelation, no major life changes or anything, but my gosh I'm in such a great mental place it's a little bit weird! 

I have had a rollercoaster ride about weight and size in my bumpy 32 years. I'm exhausted just typing that, but I really have! Going from thee tiniest and skinniest thing in the world to suddenly blooming outwards, was basically something that randomly happened within a day. I'd been a small size until I was about 18, with skinny arms then I finally had a period... finally... and suddenly got boobs, a bum and those hips! I used to be able to eat what I wanted and suddenly I couldn't, (but I didn't know that) I didn't really exercise anymore after I quit dancing and the consuming to burning ratio wasn't at a good level. So of course, I got bigger. I went to university where late nights, bad food and alcohol consumption sky rocketed and ta-da I was now a very unfit, wobbly kinda girl. I wasn't huge but I was too big for my frame, getting myself from an 8 up to a 12/14.

Flip directly to the other side of the scale, about 4 years ago I lost a lot of weight because I was really poorly from my epilepsy. So much so I was down to a size 6/8, from being a healthy 10/12 who was nice and active beforehand. Looking back I think to myself it must of been wonderful to be that small and buy those tiny clothes, but I was not in a good way. I spotted some photos from London Fashion Week during that time and the thigh gap was huge, I was gaunt and I'd lost my spark. I was so depressed from back to back seizures I didn't eat, and so I just used to be a nervous wreck in sheer fear of another one occurring. 


Bringing you up to date I am now back to being a healthy 10/12. Luckily after years of being all over the place with epilepsy, it is pretty controlled now so I'm obviously a lot happier! However initially I used to beat myself up that I wasn't tiny anymore when I gained weight again, I'd get up look in the mirror and hate myself. Goodness knows why but it seemed this just kept happening, almost like no matter what size I was I couldn't not hate myself. 

I like my food, but I love exercise too so I've finally started giving myself a break after finding a good balance. I used to scrutinise myself over photos, it'd be my legs look huge or gosh I look fat. I've just looked at those same photos I used to think that about before writing this post, and quite honestly I was in pretty good shape! But I didn't think that clearly, I was so absorbed in being something I had dreamt up to be as 'perfect'. It dawned on me I'd been fighting body dysmorphia all this time, yes there were times when I perhaps was big but I imagined myself worse. When I was small I was still big and would find fault with other things like my teeth, or my nose, or something else. It never really stopped.




So back to my revelation. Last month I got up after a bad nights sleep, looked in the mirror of myself in my underwear and cringed. Back in July I had a good set of abs on me, I was so much fitter and healthier, all until I got injured and did some serious nerve damage to my leg. I had basically been off exercise until very recently, so obviously things aren't as toned and I'm carrying more weight than I was originally. I took a step back from the mirror and that's when it hit me. I knew I had a plan in place to get myself back on track, it wasn't my fault I was injured... I needed to back off from all the negative thoughts and give myself a break. So I did. No more fights with my image. 

I'm not meant to be tiny and I don't think I ever will be. I'm curvy but sporty and I'm cool with that. I am just fed up of looking in the mirror or looking at photos and hating myself. I'm wasting years feeling inadequate to others, comparing myself to all these amazing fitness bloggers thinking I could run or swim the same but I look so much bigger. So what! No more time wishing and wanting to be something else, as long as I am healthy, fit and can complete those races I task myself to do - then I'm doing pretty bloody well. 

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29 comments

  1. I haven't learned to love myself yet because I know I am far from where I want to be x

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  2. I finally learnt to love myself when I hit 40, it was like a switch had been turned on, I am never going to have a perfect body, but I have learnt to love myself, and be me and I don't care what anyone else thinks about me x

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  3. I am still on a way but I am much better now and confident where I am from my previous-self. Thanks for this inspirational post xx

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  4. Learning to love yourself is an ongoing process and the most valuable one you will ever undertake! Great post - you look amazing. My best friend suffered with epilepsy and has it under control now, such a difficult thing to live with.

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  5. My mummy is super curvy and tall and finds it hard to be comfortable to be in her own skin. Sounds like you are on the way to loving yourself. Love the Lorna Jane Dreamer legging x

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  6. Learning to love yourself can be difficult and a long process, but it is so worth it. It is so important to be comfortable in your own skin and not be negative to yourself. It sure seems like you are in a good place with it now.

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  7. Great write up hun!! Happy blogging

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  8. It's important to love yourself, sometimes it can be hard to x

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  9. Hey I'm glad to see you doing well on yohr journey! Self love and appreciation is the main point to start doing for a healthy and balanced life. I used to be afraid that nobody loves me, I am boring, I am not the most beautiful person around and so on. I learned to move pass that with a bit of meditation but what most helped it that I started to be more positive and that brought a lot of beautiful things in my life!

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  10. This is a great one. I wish you the very best. Indeed we have to love ourselves, it is a must so that other's would love us too! - Anosa

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  11. I think learning to love yourself is ongoing and not just a one time thing x

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  12. It is such an important things and a great accomplishment! I have a long way to go yet.

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  13. This is a fantastic post, you are very inspirational! I hope to one day soon feel the same way as you x

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  14. I'm so proud of you for writing this post as I can imagine it wasn't easy for you to write. It's such a ongoing journey for me atm, i'm having such a love hate relationship with my body atm and reading this post has definitely got me thinking about the relationship I have with my body!

    Emmie
    www.carpediememmie.co.uk

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  15. Great post. Always good to find the right balance.

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  16. It is difficult to learn to love yourself. I'm glad that you have accepted your shape.

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  17. You look incredible!! from the pictures above I couldn't imagine you being so tiny and gaunt but you look very happy and healthy now!! My weigh fluctuates a lot and its pretty depressing sometimes especially after having children because my tummy is just not the same.

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  18. Loving yourself is so important! I totally agree! Thank you for sharing your story and giving so much encouragement!

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  19. I wish I could go back to tell my teenager self it would all be fine and I really wasn't as fat as I thought I was! x

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  20. I'm not sure if I'm quite there with loving myself but I'm a lot more confident than what I used to be! xo

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  21. i've become so much more confident since loosing a bit of weight xo

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  22. This is such a lovely post! I struggle with my weight so much - I'm up and down all of the time! I need to work on learning to love myself a bit more I think. :-)

    Ashton xx

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  23. you are doing bloody amazing! its all about being healthy regardless of your body shape/size

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  24. Our younger selves could've definitely done with us telling them everything would be fine, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

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  25. You look amazing! I'm really starting to come to terms with how I look and it's so nice.

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  26. I think if others stop judging, so would we. We should all be happy they way we all are

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  27. Great post and so glad you have a more positive view of your body. I had issues with my body image too but I've come to accept my body a lot more. I LOVE the jumper too!

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  28. I'm still learning to love myself, and getting better every day! I love your jumper and you have a fab Figure!!

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  29. You look wonderful - and are glowing with health. It is so hard to love yourself, especially with a lifelong condition like epilepsy (I have it too) I know in the past I've felt utterly lost to it. These days, much like yourself I'm well controlled and feel much more like me. Love that sweater by the way!

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