The amount of times this month I’ve thought to myself, I so wish I could tell my younger self it is all going to be fine, that I’m now losing count. Nothing significant has happened for the revelation, no major life changes or anything, but my gosh I’m in such a great mental place it’s a little bit weird!
I have had a rollercoaster ride about weight and size in my bumpy 32 years. I’m exhausted just typing that, but I really have! Going from thee tiniest and skinniest thing in the world to suddenly blooming outwards, was basically something that randomly happened within a day. I’d been a small size until I was about 18, with skinny arms then I finally had a period… finally… and suddenly got boobs, a bum and those hips! I used to be able to eat what I wanted and suddenly I couldn’t, (but I didn’t know that) I didn’t really exercise anymore after I quit dancing and the consuming to burning ratio wasn’t at a good level. So of course, I got bigger. I went to university where late nights, bad food and alcohol consumption sky rocketed and ta-da I was now a very unfit, wobbly kinda girl. I wasn’t huge but I was too big for my frame, getting myself from an 8 up to a 12/14.
Flip directly to the other side of the scale, about 4 years ago I lost a lot of weight because I was really poorly from my epilepsy. So much so I was down to a size 6/8, from being a healthy 10/12 who was nice and active beforehand. Looking back I think to myself it must of been wonderful to be that small and buy those tiny clothes, but I was not in a good way. I spotted some photos from London Fashion Week during that time and the thigh gap was huge, I was gaunt and I’d lost my spark. I was so depressed from back to back seizures I didn’t eat, and so I just used to be a nervous wreck in sheer fear of another one occurring.
Bringing you up to date I am now back to being a healthy 10/12. Luckily after years of being all over the place with epilepsy, it is pretty controlled now so I’m obviously a lot happier! However initially I used to beat myself up that I wasn’t tiny anymore when I gained weight again, I’d get up look in the mirror and hate myself. Goodness knows why but it seemed this just kept happening, almost like no matter what size I was I couldn’t not hate myself.
I like my food, but I love exercise too so I’ve finally started giving myself a break after finding a good balance. I used to scrutinise myself over photos, it’d be my legs look huge or gosh I look fat. I’ve just looked at those same photos I used to think that about before writing this post, and quite honestly I was in pretty good shape! But I didn’t think that clearly, I was so absorbed in being something I had dreamt up to be as ‘perfect’. It dawned on me I’d been fighting body dysmorphia all this time, yes there were times when I perhaps was big but I imagined myself worse. When I was small I was still big and would find fault with other things like my teeth, or my nose, or something else. It never really stopped.
So back to my revelation. Last month I got up after a bad nights sleep, looked in the mirror of myself in my underwear and cringed. Back in July I had a good set of abs on me, I was so much fitter and healthier, all until I got injured and did some serious nerve damage to my leg. I had basically been off exercise until very recently, so obviously things aren’t as toned and I’m carrying more weight than I was originally. I took a step back from the mirror and that’s when it hit me. I knew I had a plan in place to get myself back on track, it wasn’t my fault I was injured… I needed to back off from all the negative thoughts and give myself a break. So I did. No more fights with my image.
I’m not meant to be tiny and I don’t think I ever will be. I’m curvy but sporty and I’m cool with that. I am just fed up of looking in the mirror or looking at photos and hating myself. I’m wasting years feeling inadequate to others, comparing myself to all these amazing fitness bloggers thinking I could run or swim the same but I look so much bigger. So what! No more time wishing and wanting to be something else, as long as I am healthy, fit and can complete those races I task myself to do – then I’m doing pretty bloody well.